Amidst God's Grace and Goodness

As of late, life has been kind of chaotic....but subtly chaotic. No major event has occurred. But my routine has been slightly disrupted. Sleep schedule is a bit off. Just feel "off". I've been trying to change jobs, leaving the ER for Oncology. Seems like such a relief to switch to something where I am powerless to heal. But what an opportunity to let God in to do the work. Since returning from Africa, I've known it's time to move on. It's been difficult finding my way out. I recently was able to interview for a job that I think would be a great fit for me. I haven't heard anything yet, and I'm becoming less and less hopeful. Which brings the question.....How can I be hopeful in the face of disappointment? It's so easy to rejoice when we're taking steps toward something we want. I want to be somewhere else. I feel I have the potential for more, and where I am isn't cutting it; where I am isn't glorifying God. I'm sure God would disagree somewhat with that statement. During the time surrounding the recent chemotherapy class and interview, I was hopeful, grateful for the window, for the glimpse of what I could be. Thankful that I might have found the way out of the ER. During that time, I rejoiced, saying to myself that even if I didn't get the job, I would still be content. And I'm disappointed. It's SO HARD to be hopeful and then live through the disappointment of failure. I'm struggling to find the joy in the situation. But I remember- my joy is in God, not in the situation. So, I grieve the lost job. I'm sad. I feel beaten, how can I summon the strength to keep going?

I saw a rainbow on the way to church tonight. We have the opportunity for rainbows all the time in Seattle with the rain and sun. Tonight I took it as a personal reminder of God's promise. A message sent directly for me reminding me of God's grace and goodness. So, it is with that message that I rest in the arms of my God who loves me and has a master plan. It is in His comfort that I wait for my steps to be revealed. It is in this stationary period, this season of wandering that I rejoice in the Lord for all that He gives and withholds.

French Pastry

Flaky is a great quality in croissant, but not so much in people. I've been in a funk as of late and can't seem to put my finger on the origin of said funk. My thoughts lack clarity. My brain seems in a bit of a slurry and I can't quite get my bearings. Not totally lost, but feel myself slipping into the abyss of isolation. Normally, I look forward to my 7 day off-stretch. No so lately. I've dreaded being off. I'm sleeping in too late, staying awake too late, and putting myself into this cycle of "offness". I'm just starting to hit my groove at around 7pm, while others being winding down. There isn't much to do alone, and certainly not a lot of late night activities. I wish I found more entertainment in drinking alone....drinking beer, that is. I'm just fine drinking coffee alone. It's become my best friend, my back up plan...sometimes my first plan.

This off-stretch has a very dark feeling about it; Cloaked in worry, loneliness, physical manifestations of anxiety and sadness. It's totally sucked. And oddly, I had a bunch of things planned. ACTIVITIES YAY! Not so yay as it turns out. Three times. THREE TIMES my plans were cancelled because the other half bowed out. THREE TIMES. I really like croissants. But crap, what is it with this part of the country- no commitment, no statement, no foundation.

I'm joining a gym tomorrow. I'm going to have two reliable parts of my life...well, no, make that three. Coffee, Gym, Ellie.

coffee drippings

it's night. it's typical seattle weather. damp. misting. warm for winter. i'm not wearing socks or a coat. but i am drinking coffee. iced nonfat latte. at a coffee shop on a friday night. my entertainment. a way of at least getting out of my apartment. being around people, yet far from interactive. with my headphones on, sitting in front of my computer screen, i am as invisible as the other five people here doing the exact same thing. they're not invisible to me i guess. because i come here in hopes of interacting. on the slim chance that someone will approach me. glance at me. say something. say anything. notice me. but then i remember that this is seattle. you can exist invisibly. not being noticed or spoken to for days. it's overwhelming, the loneliness. smothering to think that i don't have any plans for the seven days not working. this must be what Ellie feels like while i'm working. trapped and can't get out. wants the cats to play but they won't. waiting quietly for me to come home to play.

i am waiting for the day when i can write a different story. but that's far away. it's true that looks matter. and i just don't fit.