Star of Wonder

Sunday. 6pm Modern Worship Service. Sufjan Stevens' "Star of Wonder." Amazing. This is the kind of music that urges my heart to process. Listen, but imagine it live and at church!

Antabuse

So there is a medication called Antabuse that's used in treatment for alcoholism. Basically it's a drug that causes nausea and vomiting if you ingest alcohol. Sort of a behavior modification tool, if you will. Drink booze= feel really bad. Tonight, the lovely people from Trophy Cupcakes delivered a box of end-of-day cupcakes. I figured that I would treat myself to one, since I've been doing so well on WeightWatchers, and don't think that deprivation is such a great thing. So, I had a very rich peanut butter cupcake.....only hours later to be stricken with HORRIBLE-GNAWING- BURNING-RIP MY EPIGASTRIC AREA OUT OF MY BODY RIGHT NOW pain. It's no good. And I suspect my gallbladder is having a little bender inside my belly. Everything was fine. Was having a lovely evening, like a tea party that got crashed by Hell's Angels. Despite four "GI cocktails" (a mixture of maalox and lidocaine, and one with donnatol), the pain persists. I feel better when I breath like moms in labor, doubling over into a squished ball, and crying. Crying makes everything better, even when it doesn't. One of the docs I work with suggested that I checked into the ED to be seen. I, of course, said no with my response being "But, I'm going to Africa in 2 days." I don't think this "rationale" is very rational, but I'm not into checking into the ED. Anyway, to get to the point....that stupid cupcake is to weight loss as antabuse is to alcholism treatment. I still feel like I want to take a spoon and scoop out my guts. That sounds like relief.

PS: Let me know if I didn't put enough hyperlinks in this post. Geez Louise.

and maybe when I wake.

So maybe now it's time

And maybe when I wake

They'll be there calling me Baby,

Maybe.

Africa! Wait, what? Africa?!!!

I'm going to Africa. That's right, you heard me. I'M GOING TO AFRICA! I feel like i have so much to say, but i can't quite express it as my words are too wrapped in emotions. I kind of just want to spit it out, and relieve myself of the mounting giddiness, deep excitement, and anticipated growth with this trip. While I'll only be in Sierra Leone for 11 days, I can already see that God has ordered my steps and has been preparing me for some time for this trip. (Although, it comes as a huge shock that I'm actually going.) Years ago, I had a huge fear of Africa and thought that by merely flying into the continent I would contract some horrible, incurable disease: Ebola, HIV...slightly irrational, but my fears are largely bred by the work of American Media. OK, back to what I was saying. Where was I? .............................I found out about the trip a couple of weeks ago, and in less than 48 hours from time of hearing of trip, my flight was booked and i was officially going to Africa. I feel much less overwhelmed as I process the details, accomplish pre-trip tasks, and continue to pray. Honestly, my prayers are less formal and more like thoughts directed upwards. And, I'm finding, amazingly, that God is desperate to feed my soul. I feel like he's talking to me daily through people, things i read, the bible....it's AWESOME, and sustaining and life giving. I love this time. I would love to revel in the love and divine guidance I'm receiving, but a part of me feels breathless and worries that the flame is burning too hot and will soon die. My hope is that i can be sustained in Christ's love for me and that I continually am affirmed of His greatness and control. Living in obedience is rewarding, and I am thankful that God has chosen to walk next to me showing me how to act to fulfill his purpose......

yep, I'm going to Africa.

another dream

on the coat tails of a blog entry about dreams, comes another weird dream last night.  i wish my brain would record the dream so i could watch it.  last night's dream was so strange.  i think it started with me buying a kitten for $7.  He was a tabby and i forget what i named him, but it was the best name ever.  i was worried that i would get in trouble for getting another cat, but my step dad said it would be ok.  i don't know why he was in my dream, but he loves kittens.  then i was at a pseudo clinical area.  there were regular beds and a bunch of people in the patient's room.  one of my co-workers was the patient.  he was there for some kind of pain, and i was concerned that he was becoming a drug addict.  i tried to put an iv in him, but couldn't.  then i got mad because i couldn't.....and then there was a bunch of water everywhere in the dream.  when i got the kitten, there was a couple feet of water, and in the clinical part of the dream too.  

strange.  maybe this is why i feel so tired after i sleep.

dream a little dream for me

there was a period of time, years actually, where i didn't dream at all.  but for the past month or so i've been dreaming the strangest dreams.  

two nights in a row i dreamed about Zach.  the dreams about him aren't pleasant, more disturbing. in the dreams he aggressively ignores me or confronts me...kind of like real life!  so why is he invading my dreams all of the sudden.

tonight i fell asleep during a rerun of SNL.  I dreamed that i was on a road trip and trying to decide what car to buy.  since we (a group of unknowns) were in a different state, the car i wanted wasn't there.  I felt worried in the dream about making a car purchase.....kind of like real life!  I just bought a car almost 2 weeks ago, and feel mildly significant buyers remorse.  i daydream about winning a larger sum of money to pay off my loan.

there was a recurring component to the car dream i had today.   i don't even know where to begin to explain it.  my friend Jil is in it, but she doesn't look like Jil in the dream.  She's sitting in a restaurant or maybe it's her apartment, but it's deserted.  and there is nothing but old food in the fridge.  but i can still order and some other people are setting up a feast in another room, and it's a gorgeous table.  it's outside with sparkling lights and crisp white table linens.  and it turns out it's a party for me.  i can stay as long as i'd like.  no one seems put out, they're all happy and don't mind that it's late.   (it makes me think of the other world in "Coraline" before it becomes scary.)  then i woke up because my pup needed to go outside.  

i fuess there are a lot of theories about dreams, but no one really know....

here's some reading information.

Again with the smells...

I was struck by how much my brain engages with fragrances, like my new favorite 'eau de husband'.   It's like the imaginative side of my brain goes into overdrive building a story around what i smell.  At work, smells are often pervasive: toxic sock, code brown, strep mouth, the smell of chronic drunk (included in that is the smell of old urine, usually with toxic sock, and bad dental hygiene).  Sorry to gross you out.  At work, though, I try to avoid smells of all kinds.  Just a better safe-than-sorry policy.  

I've got many favorite smells- coriander lotion, warm laundry, banana bread, my cats's fur (i know i'm weird).  But my all time favorite smell is Boxwood.   I would smell it here and there, but could never really pinpoint WHAT i was smelling.  

My grandparents' house is a colonial farm house in Bloomington, IN.  Very old, and as a child, I spent a lot of time there.  We would often be on the back porch playing games, eating breakfast, or whatever.  And when you walk outside from the back porch, the smell is THERE.  I used to think it was moss mixed with mud and grass.  That's how I would describe it: moss and damp and green.  But there is a huge boxwood bush right by the door.  I didn't connect the smell until a few years ago, when I walked past a boxwood bush, smelled the smell, and immediately thought of my grandpa.  I miss him terribly.  

I went to Ravenna Gardens not so long ago, to buy a small boxwood plant for my patio.  I asked the salesperson about it and told her how much I loved the smell of them.  She said "You like the smell of cat pee?"  I do not, as it turns out, and i didn't buy boxwood that day.  But i associate the smell with all things good about my Grandpa, and will forever love boxwood.     As it turns out, there are tiny boxwood bushes surrounding the perimeter of my building.  While i love to be able to smell them everyday, I am becoming desensitized to it, and it doesn't trigger that same tug in my heart for my grandpa.  But for now, my brain has forever linked the two.  

Smell Ya Later

I came home from work today later than normal.  I clocked out at the regular time, but found myself lingering away my "wind down" time in the fish bowl talking to the gals.  The fish bowl is the glass encased registration booth.  I'm not sure if it's bullet proof or not, although the glass is a new addition.  It used to be just an open desk.  So, i guess now if someone walks in and shoots at you, you'll have to deal with shards of glass in your eye too!  But, I digress.  So, as the sun is rising in the east, I decided to get some groceries on the way home.  I was the only one there, but what a treat- freshly delivered bread from essential baking company.  So I picked up a loaf of Rosemary Diamante bread and some other essentials and headed home.  I park, grab my bag and head in.  (This is where the best part happens).  I step in the elevator and a wonderful smell makes my heart bloom.  I was totally aware and enveloped in a scent that grabbed me.  It was a gorgeous blend of morning coffee and men's cologne.  It was the kind of smell that if you take too deep a breath, you almost lose it.  Not an overwhelming smell of either, but a perfectly matched aroma that sparked a longing and a smile.    Immediately I thought "This is what i want my husband to smell like."  It's a husband smell.   I like to think that the man belonging to the fragrance was wearing a tie and was tall with an average build, but more on the meaty side/not waify.  He's normal and good looking, but not in a jerky sort of way.  I want to meet him.  Oh, what a smell.  

I want

1. to learn to play piano 

2. to learn to play guitar

3. to take french lessons

4. something yellow- that color is really stuck in my head

5. what actually woke me up just now is a song from "Once" that was playing in my head...i want to sing a duet

6.  i want to have a band

7. more spedifically, i want to get married to someone who plays the guitar and/or sings so we can sing together

8.  i want to be able to sleep normal hours through the night

9. i want to be saved from my isolating tendencies

10. i want to be cared for the way i care for my pets

11. i used to want a party where my name would be spelled in fireworks, like in "Annie"  I don't want that so much anymore.

12.  I want lots of flowers and pots to plant said flowers in.

13. i want someone to be proud of me

14.  i want to stop needing someone to be proud of me

15. i want to be in a place where i'm actually ready for a relationship

16. i want to be done with all the work it's going to take to get there.

17. i want the perfect cardigan.

18. i want the opportunity to sing more, but i don't know how to find those opportunities

19. i want to be better than i am

20. (i can't think of anything)

21.  i want to be included.

22. i want to start opertating from my actual age

23. i really do want more pets, but i think that's creepy.  i should work with animals

24.  how do i start volunteering? 

25. i want a family that is awesome

26. i want to be sought after

27. i want to be held for as long as i need

28. i want to make good lattes with my espresso machine, but i just don't have the skills

29. i want to be able to do things without failure dictating my motivation (see 13)

30. i want to be type B personality

that's good for now. i'm still not tired

Softened by Age

I take care of all kinds of people at work.  This week I had all ages from 4 days to 98 years old.  The 4 day old came on the last day of my 7 day stretch, the 98 year old came on my first.  And actually, these were my two favorite patients i had all week.  I took care of several nice people, some slightly off people, some majorly off people and at least one real ahole (I've taken care of the real ahole before.  If i never had to care for another person with Borderline Personality disorder, I'd  be the happiest girl in the world.)  Anyway, I took care of a 95 year old gent that had fallen somewhere else in the hospital and came down to the ER as indicated by the Risk Management policy.  The patient was very very polite, softly spoken, and generally pleasant.  His son, on the other hand, was not.  He was intensely intense.  He didn't waste a minute letting me know that risk management was already involved in the incident.  (Now, this had nothing to do with me, or my department, other than we were checking the patient out just to be safe.  Also, the patient isn't going to be billed at all since it was allegedly the hospital's fault.)  After my patient returned from radiology the son asked how long it would be until the results were posted.  Radiology films/images are always red "STAT" and depending on the study, results take about 30 minutes.  Before i could complete the sentence, the Son said "Well, if it's not done quickly, I'll be calling my attorney."  I didn't respond to that because I knew doing so would further inflame the man.  (Secretly, I patted myself on the back for keeping my mouth shut).   Eventually everything came back and nothing new was wrong, yet for service recovery purposes, the patient was admitted to the hospital near the family member he was visiting when he took the fall.  

In all this i began to think why the Son and the patient were so different.  I had talked at length with my patient about his life, what he did before retiring, what his hobbies are, how long he'd been married.  Such a soft affect.  A pleasant man.  He reminded me of my grandpa (but a lot of nice old men do).  I wondered how such a graceful man could have such an intense son that uses bullying and intimidation in unnecessary situations.  Where did the Son learn to act like this.  My question is: Does time soften us?  For those that are hardened, difficult people, does time soften and ease the personality back to something that is desirable and attractive.  I'd like to think so (and i hope that i will).  I wonder if the Son learned his callousness from his dad.   If my patient (dad) was really an aggressive person, I'm thankful that his heart has time to rest and be warm.  If my patient has always been this way, then maybe the Son is just another ahole.  Sometimes the simplest explanation is really the easiest one.   

The week is over for me and i begin my 7 day stretch of un-work.  It will be a week of solitude mostly.....but that's the story of my life- both by chance and purpose.  

Blackbird Singing in the Dead of Night

As I was leaving work this morning at 0330 in the cool, dark, early morning, I heard a wonderful and beautiful sound.  It was a song bird.  I don't know what kind.  But it's chirp was very light and the kind I would only seem to notice very early, usually before and right at dawn.  Walking to my car, I began to wonder about this bird.  Why was it singing?  And why was it by itself?  It was sitting on the cables by the street lights.  I wonder if it likes city living.  (that's a lame thing to say.  I bet the country is way better.)What happens when birds get old.  Do you think they're like old people.  They get sick with pneumonia and want to get in their bedtime robe and sleep alot?  Do you think a bird would feel better with chicken soup? Do birds get lonely or sad?  

I suppose that I associate singleness with loneliness.  If you are alone, you must be lonely.  And lonely means sad.   I'm sure not all people who are loners are sad, or lonely- like hermits.  I seem to have a long running trend of isolating myself, but still desiring companionship...as if looking out from some glass encased room, wanting to be with people but also be alone.  It's strange and confusing, and I don't know why I isolate.   Strugging with acceptance of self.   I can't say more about that because it needs to roll around in my brain for a bit.

The bird had a beautiful song.  I bet he just wanted some companionship too.

"Blackbird" by The Beatles

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise

Black bird singing in the dead of night
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see
all your life
you were only waiting for this moment to be free

Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.

Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise,
You were only waiting for this moment to arise,
You were only waiting for this moment to arise

Dumb Dog, Why are you following me?

Since I can't figure out how to hook up my DVD player, I couldn't watch the DVDs I got from Netflix.  So, I went to OnDemand and decided to watch Annie.  I was only 4 when that movie was made.  And I love how everyone knows how to dance.  But as I was watching, i couldn't stop thinking how much Boodles (Wenikio's dog) looks like Sandy, although I would never sing a song called "Dumb Dog" because Boodles is very smart, and a very fast runner.   Compare, contrast.  Let me know what you think!

They didn't forget

http://andrewsullivan.theatlantic.com/the_daily_dish/2008/10/mental-health-2.html

This video makes me cry.  I like it for a couple of reasons.   How over-joyed are those pups?  Their dad has been gone for over a year, and it's like they've never forgotten him.   can't think of a better welcome home party.  But it makes me cry because he has made it home safely.  I  I grieve for the men and women whose dogs are still waiting, but will never see their moms and dads again.  

Try it with love....

I moved into "mour" place yesterday, also known as Wenikio's place, which is now my place.  A few of my friends (Erica, Brian, Matt, John, and Jon) helped me move all of my goods over here in less than 5 hours.  It would have been an impossible chore to do it alone, and too expensive to hire people to do it.  Moving kind of sucks so, I am VERY grateful, thankful, and indebted to my pals that were able to help yesterday....especially in the raining rain.

This place is great.  Even in it's most disorganized and unpacked state, it's just great.  It's warm (both in temperature and ambiance) and comfortable.  As a side note, i think I'll have to turn the pilot light off on the the fireplace soon....it tends to get a little too warm for my liking.  But then again, I'm used to near freezing temperatures in the Mold Zone (the old place). 

I hate technology.  Not really, but I just inserted a picture of the old place from google maps, and it messed everything up...and i had to delete the paragraphS that i typed following the inserted picture because it changed the format and I couldn't figure out how to fix  it.   blah, whatever.

Moving on.  What is it about packing that makes you feel just sapped of any energy.  Maybe I burned up so much energy in the excitement of moving to "mour" place.   Maybe it was hauling everything in the rain.  I did not unpack anything last night.  I changed into pajamas, and watched SNL (a rerun) .  I got into my freshly made bed with clean sheets.  2/3 of the petting zoo joined me.  We woke up in the morning to beautiful sunny skies.   Of course, I couldn't be so lucky to have the sun yesterday when we were moving.  Perhaps, it's just God's way of marking a new start.  A beautiful new start.  I'm excited.  I'm happy.  But i feel like i'm happier than i should be.  Where is it coming from?  Why?  Perhaps it's the change.  It's leaving behind a really difficult year that I struggled with white knuckles to get through.  It's shedding the past and looking forward to what can be.  And to think that it's all because of Wenikio's place.  That's pretty powerful.  

OH, so there is a point to this post......Try it with love.  So, after I got up and got moving, Belly wanted to go to Magnuson (she let's me know by whining like a bad baby.)  I put the mud boots on and we head there and it's gorgeous, except for one thing: all the weekend dog people.  Magnuson is great.  I like going during the week because Ellie has friends that go there midday, and there are less people there in general.   On the weekends, the people to dog ratio is like 5:1.  It's a nut house.  All the badly behaved people come out with their dogs (yes i said that right).  We managed to get to the water, and quickly left to get away from the crowd of people.  We headed for a path that runs along the lake.  It's an ON leash area.  Ellie struggles on the leash.  She hates it, I hate dealing with her on it.  I get frustrated and so does she.  After several yanks and pulls, I made her sit.  I thought "I HATE this.  There must be a better way." Try it with love.  She was sitting there looking up at me and bending over I rubbed her face and told her what a good dog she was for sitting.  And this changed things.  She responded by licking my face, and in the next portion of our walk she seemed to want to please me.  It was that simple.  However, this didn't stop me from going to Mud Bay to buy a new Gentle Leader.  Ellie does not like the gentle leader because it forces her to be a good Ellie.  She ate the plastic clips off the other one.  She's very smart.  Bad Ellie.  (See Good Ellie below wearing her Gentle Leader.)

Meet The Petting Zoo, and about couples.

This is a couple i was walking with at Magnuson while Ellie was romping with their 10 month old dog (the orangie one on the left).  They were warm folk, friendly, but not intrusive.  I fell behind them and just observed.  They had a content quietness about them, a closeness without clinginess.  You know how you go out for dinner and you see some old folks that look really unhappy.  they don't speak.   The old lady is usually grouching at the husband for something insignificant.  But other than barking at each other, they don't speak.  I've seen lots of older couples like that.  It was nice to see the dog park couple.  I liked the scarf and mittens the woman wore.  I liked the way the man smiled when he spoke.  Nice people.  I want some more grandparents.  I miss being in a family.  I miss love.  This is why I collect pets. 

Speaking of pets, let's meet the Petting Zoo!!

Georgie Oranges:  age 5

Significant markings: blue crossed eyes and popcorn for brains

Special talent: playing statue

Gibbon aka Mr. B: age 7

Significant markings: BIG fur, black and white

Special talent: staring with condesceding looks, and drinking water from the bathtub faucet

Ellie aka The Belly: age 8 months

Significant markings: Crazy eyes, with a funny curly/straight coat

Special Talent: eating anything that is not made to be eaten.  

Pepto flavored Bubble Tea?

We get an hour break at work, which is a really nice thing. Most places I've worked give you either two 30 minute breaks, or one 45 minute break.  Having an hour is really a luxury and just one more reason why I like where i work.   I usually go home on my break to feed Ellie (the puppy) and eat dinner.  Sometimes I make a really exciting break by going to WOW Bubble Tea.  Wendy introduced me to it about a month ago, and it's my new favorite thing in the WORLD.  So, today's break was packed.  I drove home, fed Ellie, and then went to get some bubble tea.  I ran into an old friend there and we had a nice chat.  It was very busy tonight.  So I'm standing near the counter waiting for my Taro Coconut Extra Tapioca Bubble Tea.  The door to the back room, or staff room is open.  What do i see sitting on the shelf?  A big bottle of the pink stuff: pepto bismol!  I find it a little disturbing to think that one of the red-shirted staffers about to make my delicious drink is suffering from nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach, or diarrhea.  I really hope it's not the latter.  I didn't dwell on it though, because i feel confident that all employees wash hands after bathroom trips and before returning to work.   Right?  RIGHT?  My bubble tea was great, and I returned to work feeling just fine!

"Just a little patience. Yeah"

So Wenikio says "Ridonculus".  It's a word that she and I both do not like, but makes both of us laugh.   So just say that word out loud.  RIDONCULUS.....you want to say it again, don't you?  It makes me laugh because it's so dumb and funny.  ridonculus.   Moving on.....

Patience is a subject that keeps popping in my head.  When I think of being patient, a certain amount of peacefulness is included in that, maybe some passiveness too.  I wish i was more patient.  I wish that i didn't get easily ruffled.  I wish I was more patient.   Our culture doesn't really lend itself much to patience and waiting.  It seems everything is designed to be more efficient and less time wasting.  Robots make the coffee at Starbucks so patrons don't have to wait for a really delicious espresso from hand pulled shots (this is assuming that Starbucks actually had really good tasting coffee that could result in a delicious coffee beverage.  I choose not to frequent Starbucks, but that's another story.)   You can go through the self serve line and check yourself out so you don't have to wait for someone to help you.  Internet service is "comcastic", always getting faster and faster and faster so we don't have to wait to read a blog or check email.   

So my church added another service to our Modern Worship schedule, now at 11:00.  I went for the first time today.  Since there is also a traditional service at 11:00, they pipe in the sermon through the magic of something.  Um, they do a video feed or something like that.  The new 11:00 service is only a few weeks old, and it being my first time, i didn't know what to expect when i came time for the sermon.  As we ended the praise time, the video came on and the pastor began to speak.  She paused, and then there was no sound, and what seemed to be no feed.  People looked around at each other, a couple people began to mumble, and someone laughed.  About 10 seconds later an inspirational video started.    In a matter of TEN SECONDS, people were already beginning their grumblings.  TEN SECONDS.    It's just ironic because the video the pastor was including in her sermon was about being busy, and noisiness, and finding rest.   How strange that the congregation couldn't rest for ten seconds.   

Working in the ED, I want everything done right now (STAT as "they" say).    I don't like waiting for labs to result.  I don't like waiting for patients to finish their stories*.  I want them to get to the point so i can get the things done that need to be done.  Patients don't like waiting.   Most of the complaints we get are because of wait times**.  I'm not good at waiting at work. 

But those moments of forced waiting can be little moments of rest.  Little breaks throughout the day to take a breather.  To reflect, to sit back and have nothing to do.  Isn't that nice?  I think so.  So, when I get to work tonight, I'm going to use waiting to my advantage.  Maybe my good attitude about waiting will transfer to my patients.    The human element of life can be lost when everything is given to us NOW.   The details, quirks, mistakes, sparkles, beauty is lost if we forget about being patient and waiting.  HEY, that reminds me of the benefit of waiting for my true love....there is good in that.  

*This is not true for every patient.  But please know:  I have a small amount of time to get maximum details.  When i ask about why you're in the ED today, I'm not asking about a conversation you had 17 months ago.  I want the cold, hard facts...we'll get to the embellishments later.

**I find that time is a great Triage tool.  People that are subjected to long wait times do 1 of 2 things.  1.  You endure the wait because you are sick and need to be seen;  your complaint may be valid (this excludes squatters looking for a temporary shelter-their complaints are usually bogus and a result of needing a place to sleep).  2.  You leave because the wait is "too long".  Your complaint is usually non-emergent and can be followed up at your doctor's office.   

 

My favorite flowers: ranunculus. That's a lot of "u"s. But i like them anyway. And so does my friend Wenikio.

what is this all about?

It's nothing, really.  It's what crosses my mind in a day- usually random and tangential thoughts.  Sometimes important and impacting, sometimes frivolous and brief.  My brain surprises at times.   How can I be so smart one minute and then have total ADD/8 year old brain thoughts?  Maybe I'm really an 8 year old trapped in a grown up body.  Maybe having all these random funny, sad, funny, quirky thoughts is what keeps me sparkly and faceted.....or maybe I just have popcorn for brains.  And speaking of popcorn brains, I bet these taste good.