Cambodia Bound

I'll update with a more eloquent post, but for now, here's the itinerary for the trip.  I've listed the detailed schedule by day in the event "description"

Lights, Camera...Canadian! (and Pirq)

Several months ago I discovered one of the best apps in existence: Pirq.  It's pretty amazing.  It's basically like having a coupon for a lot of really great restaurants and coffee shops except you don't have to buy a paper and cut coupons!  Pirq is a hidden treasure of money!  Download it today, unless you HATE saving money.  Yes, if you hate having money, you should not use this app.

So here's me starring as a Canadian who is unable to put her hands down.  (I am not Canadian yet, the video seems to have auto tuned my speech pattern to sound very canadian.)  Many have suggested, and rightly so, that I should be the "face" of Pirq.  I agree.   And, Action!

And, Scene.  By the way people- I was in 17 plays/musicals in high school, but my real start was in 4th grade when I starred as Harriet the Hamburger in "Harriet the Hamburger Takes a Trip Down the Digestive Track."

Hair Products + Cambodia

Two products you MUST try: Solid Shampoo and Conditioner from LUSH!  I've been using the solid shampoo (Godiva, lower) for a while and love it.  It smells so fresh, has a great lather, and lasts a long time.  I've not tried the conditioner before but just got it today (Jungle, upper)...and it smells fantastic! Plus, they are great for travel.  Cute little tins and no liquid that the TSA will mistake for bomb ingredients.  

These will be perfect for my upcoming trip to Cambodia.  Along with a small team of other young adults and senior church leadership, I will be traveling to Cambodia January 25th through February 7th 2012.  Our focus is relational.  We will be working with Cambodian young adults, students, and pastors, and testifying what we know to be true about Jesus Christ.  

A brief background: Nearly 2 million Cambodians were killed between 1975-79 by the Khmer Rouge.  In their attempts to return Cambodia to an agrarian society, any professional and/or educated people were killed.  To this day, the population is relatively young, a large percentage under age 35.  The country is slowly healing from wounds of the devastating genocide; The Christian church a growing part of the healing process.  

God is good. Even in praying and writing to friends for financial support, I am awed by how God moves. His work is beautiful....and so is my hair (sorry, I couldn't think of another way to tie it all together).

*If you'd like information on how you can support me in my trip to Cambodia, please email me: kebickell at gmail (dot) com

Perfect in Power, in Love, and Purity

I have been listening to "Holy, Holy, Holy" from Sufjan Stevens' Songs for Christmas album on repeat for hours.  I've heard this song, even sung this song, a bunch of times.  Hearing this version last night, something happened.

I turned the lights off and lit a few candles, hit repeat and soaked in the saccharine, warm love that comes when worshipping Jesus.  It is a song that has been poured over my heart and I can't help but have tears.  This song is the sweetest, most beautiful, most still song to praise, to give thanks, to proclaim the awesome power, perfect love, and divine purity.

 

The Fig Tree is where it's at

I was awakened too early this morning with the thought of Nathanael and the Fig Tree. Unable to fall back asleep, I opened my bible to John 1:48-

"How do you know me?" Nathanael asked. Jesus answered, "I saw you while you were still under the fig tree before Philip called you."

"How do you know me?" Jesus said "I saw you..." Something about this grabs my heart and comforts me in a new way. The idea that Jesus sees me brings His love into reality. He sees ME. To be known and noticed and..."seen" is something I've struggled for most of my life. I've not been blessed with a family that loves, at least not recognizably so. In fact, it's been years since I've actually spoken to anyone in my family. Such is life for the time being. My point isn't to whine about my imperfect family life, but to give thanks for the blessing that is scripture. What is missing in my life is found and fulfilled in scripture-

As Jesse Rice comment spoke on a recent retreat, the idea of being under the fig tree is Jesus saying "I see you." The dreaming, and hoping, and aching I'm doing right now is key to what God is going to do in my life.

So, I give thanks for the dreaming, and hoping, and aching, and look forward to what God is doing in my life.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Dog Poop

1. Dogs poop.

2. The "law" says you have to pick it up

3. The lady was standing in my yard on her cell phone while her dog pooped.

4. She looked at me, then walked away.

5. Dog poop left in the yard (and it wasn't Ellie's).

I bet she was just told that she won an all-expenses-paid vacation to Tacoma, and she was so excited that she casually walked away to start packing. Or she was blind, and able to walk and talk on a cell phone without assistance. She's a human miracle!

Amidst God's Grace and Goodness

As of late, life has been kind of chaotic....but subtly chaotic. No major event has occurred. But my routine has been slightly disrupted. Sleep schedule is a bit off. Just feel "off". I've been trying to change jobs, leaving the ER for Oncology. Seems like such a relief to switch to something where I am powerless to heal. But what an opportunity to let God in to do the work. Since returning from Africa, I've known it's time to move on. It's been difficult finding my way out. I recently was able to interview for a job that I think would be a great fit for me. I haven't heard anything yet, and I'm becoming less and less hopeful. Which brings the question.....How can I be hopeful in the face of disappointment? It's so easy to rejoice when we're taking steps toward something we want. I want to be somewhere else. I feel I have the potential for more, and where I am isn't cutting it; where I am isn't glorifying God. I'm sure God would disagree somewhat with that statement. During the time surrounding the recent chemotherapy class and interview, I was hopeful, grateful for the window, for the glimpse of what I could be. Thankful that I might have found the way out of the ER. During that time, I rejoiced, saying to myself that even if I didn't get the job, I would still be content. And I'm disappointed. It's SO HARD to be hopeful and then live through the disappointment of failure. I'm struggling to find the joy in the situation. But I remember- my joy is in God, not in the situation. So, I grieve the lost job. I'm sad. I feel beaten, how can I summon the strength to keep going?

I saw a rainbow on the way to church tonight. We have the opportunity for rainbows all the time in Seattle with the rain and sun. Tonight I took it as a personal reminder of God's promise. A message sent directly for me reminding me of God's grace and goodness. So, it is with that message that I rest in the arms of my God who loves me and has a master plan. It is in His comfort that I wait for my steps to be revealed. It is in this stationary period, this season of wandering that I rejoice in the Lord for all that He gives and withholds.

French Pastry

Flaky is a great quality in croissant, but not so much in people. I've been in a funk as of late and can't seem to put my finger on the origin of said funk. My thoughts lack clarity. My brain seems in a bit of a slurry and I can't quite get my bearings. Not totally lost, but feel myself slipping into the abyss of isolation. Normally, I look forward to my 7 day off-stretch. No so lately. I've dreaded being off. I'm sleeping in too late, staying awake too late, and putting myself into this cycle of "offness". I'm just starting to hit my groove at around 7pm, while others being winding down. There isn't much to do alone, and certainly not a lot of late night activities. I wish I found more entertainment in drinking alone....drinking beer, that is. I'm just fine drinking coffee alone. It's become my best friend, my back up plan...sometimes my first plan.

This off-stretch has a very dark feeling about it; Cloaked in worry, loneliness, physical manifestations of anxiety and sadness. It's totally sucked. And oddly, I had a bunch of things planned. ACTIVITIES YAY! Not so yay as it turns out. Three times. THREE TIMES my plans were cancelled because the other half bowed out. THREE TIMES. I really like croissants. But crap, what is it with this part of the country- no commitment, no statement, no foundation.

I'm joining a gym tomorrow. I'm going to have two reliable parts of my life...well, no, make that three. Coffee, Gym, Ellie.

coffee drippings

it's night. it's typical seattle weather. damp. misting. warm for winter. i'm not wearing socks or a coat. but i am drinking coffee. iced nonfat latte. at a coffee shop on a friday night. my entertainment. a way of at least getting out of my apartment. being around people, yet far from interactive. with my headphones on, sitting in front of my computer screen, i am as invisible as the other five people here doing the exact same thing. they're not invisible to me i guess. because i come here in hopes of interacting. on the slim chance that someone will approach me. glance at me. say something. say anything. notice me. but then i remember that this is seattle. you can exist invisibly. not being noticed or spoken to for days. it's overwhelming, the loneliness. smothering to think that i don't have any plans for the seven days not working. this must be what Ellie feels like while i'm working. trapped and can't get out. wants the cats to play but they won't. waiting quietly for me to come home to play.

i am waiting for the day when i can write a different story. but that's far away. it's true that looks matter. and i just don't fit.

Star of Wonder

Sunday. 6pm Modern Worship Service. Sufjan Stevens' "Star of Wonder." Amazing. This is the kind of music that urges my heart to process. Listen, but imagine it live and at church!

Antabuse

So there is a medication called Antabuse that's used in treatment for alcoholism. Basically it's a drug that causes nausea and vomiting if you ingest alcohol. Sort of a behavior modification tool, if you will. Drink booze= feel really bad. Tonight, the lovely people from Trophy Cupcakes delivered a box of end-of-day cupcakes. I figured that I would treat myself to one, since I've been doing so well on WeightWatchers, and don't think that deprivation is such a great thing. So, I had a very rich peanut butter cupcake.....only hours later to be stricken with HORRIBLE-GNAWING- BURNING-RIP MY EPIGASTRIC AREA OUT OF MY BODY RIGHT NOW pain. It's no good. And I suspect my gallbladder is having a little bender inside my belly. Everything was fine. Was having a lovely evening, like a tea party that got crashed by Hell's Angels. Despite four "GI cocktails" (a mixture of maalox and lidocaine, and one with donnatol), the pain persists. I feel better when I breath like moms in labor, doubling over into a squished ball, and crying. Crying makes everything better, even when it doesn't. One of the docs I work with suggested that I checked into the ED to be seen. I, of course, said no with my response being "But, I'm going to Africa in 2 days." I don't think this "rationale" is very rational, but I'm not into checking into the ED. Anyway, to get to the point....that stupid cupcake is to weight loss as antabuse is to alcholism treatment. I still feel like I want to take a spoon and scoop out my guts. That sounds like relief.

PS: Let me know if I didn't put enough hyperlinks in this post. Geez Louise.

and maybe when I wake.

So maybe now it's time

And maybe when I wake

They'll be there calling me Baby,

Maybe.

Africa! Wait, what? Africa?!!!

I'm going to Africa. That's right, you heard me. I'M GOING TO AFRICA! I feel like i have so much to say, but i can't quite express it as my words are too wrapped in emotions. I kind of just want to spit it out, and relieve myself of the mounting giddiness, deep excitement, and anticipated growth with this trip. While I'll only be in Sierra Leone for 11 days, I can already see that God has ordered my steps and has been preparing me for some time for this trip. (Although, it comes as a huge shock that I'm actually going.) Years ago, I had a huge fear of Africa and thought that by merely flying into the continent I would contract some horrible, incurable disease: Ebola, HIV...slightly irrational, but my fears are largely bred by the work of American Media. OK, back to what I was saying. Where was I? .............................I found out about the trip a couple of weeks ago, and in less than 48 hours from time of hearing of trip, my flight was booked and i was officially going to Africa. I feel much less overwhelmed as I process the details, accomplish pre-trip tasks, and continue to pray. Honestly, my prayers are less formal and more like thoughts directed upwards. And, I'm finding, amazingly, that God is desperate to feed my soul. I feel like he's talking to me daily through people, things i read, the bible....it's AWESOME, and sustaining and life giving. I love this time. I would love to revel in the love and divine guidance I'm receiving, but a part of me feels breathless and worries that the flame is burning too hot and will soon die. My hope is that i can be sustained in Christ's love for me and that I continually am affirmed of His greatness and control. Living in obedience is rewarding, and I am thankful that God has chosen to walk next to me showing me how to act to fulfill his purpose......

yep, I'm going to Africa.

another dream

on the coat tails of a blog entry about dreams, comes another weird dream last night.  i wish my brain would record the dream so i could watch it.  last night's dream was so strange.  i think it started with me buying a kitten for $7.  He was a tabby and i forget what i named him, but it was the best name ever.  i was worried that i would get in trouble for getting another cat, but my step dad said it would be ok.  i don't know why he was in my dream, but he loves kittens.  then i was at a pseudo clinical area.  there were regular beds and a bunch of people in the patient's room.  one of my co-workers was the patient.  he was there for some kind of pain, and i was concerned that he was becoming a drug addict.  i tried to put an iv in him, but couldn't.  then i got mad because i couldn't.....and then there was a bunch of water everywhere in the dream.  when i got the kitten, there was a couple feet of water, and in the clinical part of the dream too.  

strange.  maybe this is why i feel so tired after i sleep.

dream a little dream for me

there was a period of time, years actually, where i didn't dream at all.  but for the past month or so i've been dreaming the strangest dreams.  

two nights in a row i dreamed about Zach.  the dreams about him aren't pleasant, more disturbing. in the dreams he aggressively ignores me or confronts me...kind of like real life!  so why is he invading my dreams all of the sudden.

tonight i fell asleep during a rerun of SNL.  I dreamed that i was on a road trip and trying to decide what car to buy.  since we (a group of unknowns) were in a different state, the car i wanted wasn't there.  I felt worried in the dream about making a car purchase.....kind of like real life!  I just bought a car almost 2 weeks ago, and feel mildly significant buyers remorse.  i daydream about winning a larger sum of money to pay off my loan.

there was a recurring component to the car dream i had today.   i don't even know where to begin to explain it.  my friend Jil is in it, but she doesn't look like Jil in the dream.  She's sitting in a restaurant or maybe it's her apartment, but it's deserted.  and there is nothing but old food in the fridge.  but i can still order and some other people are setting up a feast in another room, and it's a gorgeous table.  it's outside with sparkling lights and crisp white table linens.  and it turns out it's a party for me.  i can stay as long as i'd like.  no one seems put out, they're all happy and don't mind that it's late.   (it makes me think of the other world in "Coraline" before it becomes scary.)  then i woke up because my pup needed to go outside.  

i fuess there are a lot of theories about dreams, but no one really know....

here's some reading information.

Again with the smells...

I was struck by how much my brain engages with fragrances, like my new favorite 'eau de husband'.   It's like the imaginative side of my brain goes into overdrive building a story around what i smell.  At work, smells are often pervasive: toxic sock, code brown, strep mouth, the smell of chronic drunk (included in that is the smell of old urine, usually with toxic sock, and bad dental hygiene).  Sorry to gross you out.  At work, though, I try to avoid smells of all kinds.  Just a better safe-than-sorry policy.  

I've got many favorite smells- coriander lotion, warm laundry, banana bread, my cats's fur (i know i'm weird).  But my all time favorite smell is Boxwood.   I would smell it here and there, but could never really pinpoint WHAT i was smelling.  

My grandparents' house is a colonial farm house in Bloomington, IN.  Very old, and as a child, I spent a lot of time there.  We would often be on the back porch playing games, eating breakfast, or whatever.  And when you walk outside from the back porch, the smell is THERE.  I used to think it was moss mixed with mud and grass.  That's how I would describe it: moss and damp and green.  But there is a huge boxwood bush right by the door.  I didn't connect the smell until a few years ago, when I walked past a boxwood bush, smelled the smell, and immediately thought of my grandpa.  I miss him terribly.  

I went to Ravenna Gardens not so long ago, to buy a small boxwood plant for my patio.  I asked the salesperson about it and told her how much I loved the smell of them.  She said "You like the smell of cat pee?"  I do not, as it turns out, and i didn't buy boxwood that day.  But i associate the smell with all things good about my Grandpa, and will forever love boxwood.     As it turns out, there are tiny boxwood bushes surrounding the perimeter of my building.  While i love to be able to smell them everyday, I am becoming desensitized to it, and it doesn't trigger that same tug in my heart for my grandpa.  But for now, my brain has forever linked the two.  

Smell Ya Later

I came home from work today later than normal.  I clocked out at the regular time, but found myself lingering away my "wind down" time in the fish bowl talking to the gals.  The fish bowl is the glass encased registration booth.  I'm not sure if it's bullet proof or not, although the glass is a new addition.  It used to be just an open desk.  So, i guess now if someone walks in and shoots at you, you'll have to deal with shards of glass in your eye too!  But, I digress.  So, as the sun is rising in the east, I decided to get some groceries on the way home.  I was the only one there, but what a treat- freshly delivered bread from essential baking company.  So I picked up a loaf of Rosemary Diamante bread and some other essentials and headed home.  I park, grab my bag and head in.  (This is where the best part happens).  I step in the elevator and a wonderful smell makes my heart bloom.  I was totally aware and enveloped in a scent that grabbed me.  It was a gorgeous blend of morning coffee and men's cologne.  It was the kind of smell that if you take too deep a breath, you almost lose it.  Not an overwhelming smell of either, but a perfectly matched aroma that sparked a longing and a smile.    Immediately I thought "This is what i want my husband to smell like."  It's a husband smell.   I like to think that the man belonging to the fragrance was wearing a tie and was tall with an average build, but more on the meaty side/not waify.  He's normal and good looking, but not in a jerky sort of way.  I want to meet him.  Oh, what a smell.  

I want

1. to learn to play piano 

2. to learn to play guitar

3. to take french lessons

4. something yellow- that color is really stuck in my head

5. what actually woke me up just now is a song from "Once" that was playing in my head...i want to sing a duet

6.  i want to have a band

7. more spedifically, i want to get married to someone who plays the guitar and/or sings so we can sing together

8.  i want to be able to sleep normal hours through the night

9. i want to be saved from my isolating tendencies

10. i want to be cared for the way i care for my pets

11. i used to want a party where my name would be spelled in fireworks, like in "Annie"  I don't want that so much anymore.

12.  I want lots of flowers and pots to plant said flowers in.

13. i want someone to be proud of me

14.  i want to stop needing someone to be proud of me

15. i want to be in a place where i'm actually ready for a relationship

16. i want to be done with all the work it's going to take to get there.

17. i want the perfect cardigan.

18. i want the opportunity to sing more, but i don't know how to find those opportunities

19. i want to be better than i am

20. (i can't think of anything)

21.  i want to be included.

22. i want to start opertating from my actual age

23. i really do want more pets, but i think that's creepy.  i should work with animals

24.  how do i start volunteering? 

25. i want a family that is awesome

26. i want to be sought after

27. i want to be held for as long as i need

28. i want to make good lattes with my espresso machine, but i just don't have the skills

29. i want to be able to do things without failure dictating my motivation (see 13)

30. i want to be type B personality

that's good for now. i'm still not tired

Softened by Age

I take care of all kinds of people at work.  This week I had all ages from 4 days to 98 years old.  The 4 day old came on the last day of my 7 day stretch, the 98 year old came on my first.  And actually, these were my two favorite patients i had all week.  I took care of several nice people, some slightly off people, some majorly off people and at least one real ahole (I've taken care of the real ahole before.  If i never had to care for another person with Borderline Personality disorder, I'd  be the happiest girl in the world.)  Anyway, I took care of a 95 year old gent that had fallen somewhere else in the hospital and came down to the ER as indicated by the Risk Management policy.  The patient was very very polite, softly spoken, and generally pleasant.  His son, on the other hand, was not.  He was intensely intense.  He didn't waste a minute letting me know that risk management was already involved in the incident.  (Now, this had nothing to do with me, or my department, other than we were checking the patient out just to be safe.  Also, the patient isn't going to be billed at all since it was allegedly the hospital's fault.)  After my patient returned from radiology the son asked how long it would be until the results were posted.  Radiology films/images are always red "STAT" and depending on the study, results take about 30 minutes.  Before i could complete the sentence, the Son said "Well, if it's not done quickly, I'll be calling my attorney."  I didn't respond to that because I knew doing so would further inflame the man.  (Secretly, I patted myself on the back for keeping my mouth shut).   Eventually everything came back and nothing new was wrong, yet for service recovery purposes, the patient was admitted to the hospital near the family member he was visiting when he took the fall.  

In all this i began to think why the Son and the patient were so different.  I had talked at length with my patient about his life, what he did before retiring, what his hobbies are, how long he'd been married.  Such a soft affect.  A pleasant man.  He reminded me of my grandpa (but a lot of nice old men do).  I wondered how such a graceful man could have such an intense son that uses bullying and intimidation in unnecessary situations.  Where did the Son learn to act like this.  My question is: Does time soften us?  For those that are hardened, difficult people, does time soften and ease the personality back to something that is desirable and attractive.  I'd like to think so (and i hope that i will).  I wonder if the Son learned his callousness from his dad.   If my patient (dad) was really an aggressive person, I'm thankful that his heart has time to rest and be warm.  If my patient has always been this way, then maybe the Son is just another ahole.  Sometimes the simplest explanation is really the easiest one.   

The week is over for me and i begin my 7 day stretch of un-work.  It will be a week of solitude mostly.....but that's the story of my life- both by chance and purpose.  

Blackbird Singing in the Dead of Night

As I was leaving work this morning at 0330 in the cool, dark, early morning, I heard a wonderful and beautiful sound.  It was a song bird.  I don't know what kind.  But it's chirp was very light and the kind I would only seem to notice very early, usually before and right at dawn.  Walking to my car, I began to wonder about this bird.  Why was it singing?  And why was it by itself?  It was sitting on the cables by the street lights.  I wonder if it likes city living.  (that's a lame thing to say.  I bet the country is way better.)What happens when birds get old.  Do you think they're like old people.  They get sick with pneumonia and want to get in their bedtime robe and sleep alot?  Do you think a bird would feel better with chicken soup? Do birds get lonely or sad?  

I suppose that I associate singleness with loneliness.  If you are alone, you must be lonely.  And lonely means sad.   I'm sure not all people who are loners are sad, or lonely- like hermits.  I seem to have a long running trend of isolating myself, but still desiring companionship...as if looking out from some glass encased room, wanting to be with people but also be alone.  It's strange and confusing, and I don't know why I isolate.   Strugging with acceptance of self.   I can't say more about that because it needs to roll around in my brain for a bit.

The bird had a beautiful song.  I bet he just wanted some companionship too.

"Blackbird" by The Beatles

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise

Black bird singing in the dead of night
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see
all your life
you were only waiting for this moment to be free

Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.

Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise,
You were only waiting for this moment to arise,
You were only waiting for this moment to arise