coffee drippings

it's night. it's typical seattle weather. damp. misting. warm for winter. i'm not wearing socks or a coat. but i am drinking coffee. iced nonfat latte. at a coffee shop on a friday night. my entertainment. a way of at least getting out of my apartment. being around people, yet far from interactive. with my headphones on, sitting in front of my computer screen, i am as invisible as the other five people here doing the exact same thing. they're not invisible to me i guess. because i come here in hopes of interacting. on the slim chance that someone will approach me. glance at me. say something. say anything. notice me. but then i remember that this is seattle. you can exist invisibly. not being noticed or spoken to for days. it's overwhelming, the loneliness. smothering to think that i don't have any plans for the seven days not working. this must be what Ellie feels like while i'm working. trapped and can't get out. wants the cats to play but they won't. waiting quietly for me to come home to play.

i am waiting for the day when i can write a different story. but that's far away. it's true that looks matter. and i just don't fit.