another dream

on the coat tails of a blog entry about dreams, comes another weird dream last night.  i wish my brain would record the dream so i could watch it.  last night's dream was so strange.  i think it started with me buying a kitten for $7.  He was a tabby and i forget what i named him, but it was the best name ever.  i was worried that i would get in trouble for getting another cat, but my step dad said it would be ok.  i don't know why he was in my dream, but he loves kittens.  then i was at a pseudo clinical area.  there were regular beds and a bunch of people in the patient's room.  one of my co-workers was the patient.  he was there for some kind of pain, and i was concerned that he was becoming a drug addict.  i tried to put an iv in him, but couldn't.  then i got mad because i couldn't.....and then there was a bunch of water everywhere in the dream.  when i got the kitten, there was a couple feet of water, and in the clinical part of the dream too.  

strange.  maybe this is why i feel so tired after i sleep.

dream a little dream for me

there was a period of time, years actually, where i didn't dream at all.  but for the past month or so i've been dreaming the strangest dreams.  

two nights in a row i dreamed about Zach.  the dreams about him aren't pleasant, more disturbing. in the dreams he aggressively ignores me or confronts me...kind of like real life!  so why is he invading my dreams all of the sudden.

tonight i fell asleep during a rerun of SNL.  I dreamed that i was on a road trip and trying to decide what car to buy.  since we (a group of unknowns) were in a different state, the car i wanted wasn't there.  I felt worried in the dream about making a car purchase.....kind of like real life!  I just bought a car almost 2 weeks ago, and feel mildly significant buyers remorse.  i daydream about winning a larger sum of money to pay off my loan.

there was a recurring component to the car dream i had today.   i don't even know where to begin to explain it.  my friend Jil is in it, but she doesn't look like Jil in the dream.  She's sitting in a restaurant or maybe it's her apartment, but it's deserted.  and there is nothing but old food in the fridge.  but i can still order and some other people are setting up a feast in another room, and it's a gorgeous table.  it's outside with sparkling lights and crisp white table linens.  and it turns out it's a party for me.  i can stay as long as i'd like.  no one seems put out, they're all happy and don't mind that it's late.   (it makes me think of the other world in "Coraline" before it becomes scary.)  then i woke up because my pup needed to go outside.  

i fuess there are a lot of theories about dreams, but no one really know....

here's some reading information.

Again with the smells...

I was struck by how much my brain engages with fragrances, like my new favorite 'eau de husband'.   It's like the imaginative side of my brain goes into overdrive building a story around what i smell.  At work, smells are often pervasive: toxic sock, code brown, strep mouth, the smell of chronic drunk (included in that is the smell of old urine, usually with toxic sock, and bad dental hygiene).  Sorry to gross you out.  At work, though, I try to avoid smells of all kinds.  Just a better safe-than-sorry policy.  

I've got many favorite smells- coriander lotion, warm laundry, banana bread, my cats's fur (i know i'm weird).  But my all time favorite smell is Boxwood.   I would smell it here and there, but could never really pinpoint WHAT i was smelling.  

My grandparents' house is a colonial farm house in Bloomington, IN.  Very old, and as a child, I spent a lot of time there.  We would often be on the back porch playing games, eating breakfast, or whatever.  And when you walk outside from the back porch, the smell is THERE.  I used to think it was moss mixed with mud and grass.  That's how I would describe it: moss and damp and green.  But there is a huge boxwood bush right by the door.  I didn't connect the smell until a few years ago, when I walked past a boxwood bush, smelled the smell, and immediately thought of my grandpa.  I miss him terribly.  

I went to Ravenna Gardens not so long ago, to buy a small boxwood plant for my patio.  I asked the salesperson about it and told her how much I loved the smell of them.  She said "You like the smell of cat pee?"  I do not, as it turns out, and i didn't buy boxwood that day.  But i associate the smell with all things good about my Grandpa, and will forever love boxwood.     As it turns out, there are tiny boxwood bushes surrounding the perimeter of my building.  While i love to be able to smell them everyday, I am becoming desensitized to it, and it doesn't trigger that same tug in my heart for my grandpa.  But for now, my brain has forever linked the two.  

Smell Ya Later

I came home from work today later than normal.  I clocked out at the regular time, but found myself lingering away my "wind down" time in the fish bowl talking to the gals.  The fish bowl is the glass encased registration booth.  I'm not sure if it's bullet proof or not, although the glass is a new addition.  It used to be just an open desk.  So, i guess now if someone walks in and shoots at you, you'll have to deal with shards of glass in your eye too!  But, I digress.  So, as the sun is rising in the east, I decided to get some groceries on the way home.  I was the only one there, but what a treat- freshly delivered bread from essential baking company.  So I picked up a loaf of Rosemary Diamante bread and some other essentials and headed home.  I park, grab my bag and head in.  (This is where the best part happens).  I step in the elevator and a wonderful smell makes my heart bloom.  I was totally aware and enveloped in a scent that grabbed me.  It was a gorgeous blend of morning coffee and men's cologne.  It was the kind of smell that if you take too deep a breath, you almost lose it.  Not an overwhelming smell of either, but a perfectly matched aroma that sparked a longing and a smile.    Immediately I thought "This is what i want my husband to smell like."  It's a husband smell.   I like to think that the man belonging to the fragrance was wearing a tie and was tall with an average build, but more on the meaty side/not waify.  He's normal and good looking, but not in a jerky sort of way.  I want to meet him.  Oh, what a smell.  

I want

1. to learn to play piano 

2. to learn to play guitar

3. to take french lessons

4. something yellow- that color is really stuck in my head

5. what actually woke me up just now is a song from "Once" that was playing in my head...i want to sing a duet

6.  i want to have a band

7. more spedifically, i want to get married to someone who plays the guitar and/or sings so we can sing together

8.  i want to be able to sleep normal hours through the night

9. i want to be saved from my isolating tendencies

10. i want to be cared for the way i care for my pets

11. i used to want a party where my name would be spelled in fireworks, like in "Annie"  I don't want that so much anymore.

12.  I want lots of flowers and pots to plant said flowers in.

13. i want someone to be proud of me

14.  i want to stop needing someone to be proud of me

15. i want to be in a place where i'm actually ready for a relationship

16. i want to be done with all the work it's going to take to get there.

17. i want the perfect cardigan.

18. i want the opportunity to sing more, but i don't know how to find those opportunities

19. i want to be better than i am

20. (i can't think of anything)

21.  i want to be included.

22. i want to start opertating from my actual age

23. i really do want more pets, but i think that's creepy.  i should work with animals

24.  how do i start volunteering? 

25. i want a family that is awesome

26. i want to be sought after

27. i want to be held for as long as i need

28. i want to make good lattes with my espresso machine, but i just don't have the skills

29. i want to be able to do things without failure dictating my motivation (see 13)

30. i want to be type B personality

that's good for now. i'm still not tired

Softened by Age

I take care of all kinds of people at work.  This week I had all ages from 4 days to 98 years old.  The 4 day old came on the last day of my 7 day stretch, the 98 year old came on my first.  And actually, these were my two favorite patients i had all week.  I took care of several nice people, some slightly off people, some majorly off people and at least one real ahole (I've taken care of the real ahole before.  If i never had to care for another person with Borderline Personality disorder, I'd  be the happiest girl in the world.)  Anyway, I took care of a 95 year old gent that had fallen somewhere else in the hospital and came down to the ER as indicated by the Risk Management policy.  The patient was very very polite, softly spoken, and generally pleasant.  His son, on the other hand, was not.  He was intensely intense.  He didn't waste a minute letting me know that risk management was already involved in the incident.  (Now, this had nothing to do with me, or my department, other than we were checking the patient out just to be safe.  Also, the patient isn't going to be billed at all since it was allegedly the hospital's fault.)  After my patient returned from radiology the son asked how long it would be until the results were posted.  Radiology films/images are always red "STAT" and depending on the study, results take about 30 minutes.  Before i could complete the sentence, the Son said "Well, if it's not done quickly, I'll be calling my attorney."  I didn't respond to that because I knew doing so would further inflame the man.  (Secretly, I patted myself on the back for keeping my mouth shut).   Eventually everything came back and nothing new was wrong, yet for service recovery purposes, the patient was admitted to the hospital near the family member he was visiting when he took the fall.  

In all this i began to think why the Son and the patient were so different.  I had talked at length with my patient about his life, what he did before retiring, what his hobbies are, how long he'd been married.  Such a soft affect.  A pleasant man.  He reminded me of my grandpa (but a lot of nice old men do).  I wondered how such a graceful man could have such an intense son that uses bullying and intimidation in unnecessary situations.  Where did the Son learn to act like this.  My question is: Does time soften us?  For those that are hardened, difficult people, does time soften and ease the personality back to something that is desirable and attractive.  I'd like to think so (and i hope that i will).  I wonder if the Son learned his callousness from his dad.   If my patient (dad) was really an aggressive person, I'm thankful that his heart has time to rest and be warm.  If my patient has always been this way, then maybe the Son is just another ahole.  Sometimes the simplest explanation is really the easiest one.   

The week is over for me and i begin my 7 day stretch of un-work.  It will be a week of solitude mostly.....but that's the story of my life- both by chance and purpose.  

Blackbird Singing in the Dead of Night

As I was leaving work this morning at 0330 in the cool, dark, early morning, I heard a wonderful and beautiful sound.  It was a song bird.  I don't know what kind.  But it's chirp was very light and the kind I would only seem to notice very early, usually before and right at dawn.  Walking to my car, I began to wonder about this bird.  Why was it singing?  And why was it by itself?  It was sitting on the cables by the street lights.  I wonder if it likes city living.  (that's a lame thing to say.  I bet the country is way better.)What happens when birds get old.  Do you think they're like old people.  They get sick with pneumonia and want to get in their bedtime robe and sleep alot?  Do you think a bird would feel better with chicken soup? Do birds get lonely or sad?  

I suppose that I associate singleness with loneliness.  If you are alone, you must be lonely.  And lonely means sad.   I'm sure not all people who are loners are sad, or lonely- like hermits.  I seem to have a long running trend of isolating myself, but still desiring companionship...as if looking out from some glass encased room, wanting to be with people but also be alone.  It's strange and confusing, and I don't know why I isolate.   Strugging with acceptance of self.   I can't say more about that because it needs to roll around in my brain for a bit.

The bird had a beautiful song.  I bet he just wanted some companionship too.

"Blackbird" by The Beatles

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise

Black bird singing in the dead of night
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see
all your life
you were only waiting for this moment to be free

Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.

Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise,
You were only waiting for this moment to arise,
You were only waiting for this moment to arise